Good Day

How are you today?
Hope fine with your lovely family?
I believe you can handle this matter, that’s the reason
why I am cotacting you.
I humbly seek your urgent assistance in a matter that
needs outmost trust and confidence.
I am Mr. Hassan Abudu, and I am the bank manager to
Zenith bank in the federal republic of Nigeria.
There’s an account in my bank that has not been updated
in the last four years and it has the sum of $12,550,360.00usd.
This money has no beneficiary and a severe investigation shows that the
account belongs to a foreign company belonging to Mr. Alan P. Seaman
who died a couple of years ago.
Right now, I am willing to give you 30% of the total sum
as your own share if the money is transferred into your account.
The nature of your business is for the success of this transaction.
I have taken all necessary precautions to make sure that
the transaction is 100% risk free and it is believed that this
transaction will be completed within ten working
days.
I require you to send me your private email address, phone and fax
number for an easy and well secured communication.
Please you must keep this transaction secret at all times until you
have received the fund in your account.
I am looking forward to your urgent response so that I can tell you the
next step to be taken for the money to be transfered to you.
Best regards,
Mr. Hassan Abudu.

Dear Hassan,
Actually, my family died in a flaming car accident last night. Thanks for bringing it up, you asshole. However, I am willing to forgive, since you’re offering to send me so much money. 30% does seem a bit low. How about 80%? It only seems fair, since you were idiot enough to spell contact wrong. I’m sorry, but this email is no longer top secret. Before I finished reading it, I pulled over my good friend, Angie, who works for the CIA and handles fraud cases to let her know that I was in luck! I will no longer have to live with the bums downtown! She got very excited and spoke into some weird microphone thingy and before I knew it, she was gone, saying something about how “We’ve finally pinned his location.”

Oh well, that’s her business, not mine. All I want is the money! My contact information is as follows:
eatmyass@ihatespam.com
555-5007
as for a fax – I don’t have one. Sorry.

Now please fuck off and leave me alone

Boy: “Mouse… Last night… Was terrible…”
Me: “Awww”
Boy: “Not only was I sick, but every time I woke up you had pushed me off the matress.”
Me: “I’m sorry! I was sleeping; I didn’t do it on purpose!”
Boy: “And I was cold, because you kept ripping the blanket away from me. I’d tell you that I had nothing but a single tassle covering one of my toes, and you’d moan and pull it away.”
Boy: “So then I’d try to snuggle up to you for some kind of body heat, but just as I was starting to warm up, you’d shove your ass into my balls, forcing me to back off.”
Me: “I know you want to complain, but dude, I do not like this feeling of guilt.”
Boy: “And I was so cold and I’m so sick and you wouldn’t let me have any of the bed!” (insert dramatic sob here)
Me: “Ok, Stop it. There is a line you know.”
Boy: “And then when I woke up in the morning and went to kiss you… I discovered that you had dragon breath from hell. I thought I was going to pass out.”
Me: “Well that’s nothing new. We go through that ceremony every morning!”
Boy: “Yeah, but this time I was sick!”

Sigh. Boys are so melodramatic.

• short, small boned, small waisted, big boobs, childish face
• green eyes, brown hair, caucasian skin
• permanent grin, horrible hunch

But are you pretty?
While I wouldn’t describe myself as attractive, I don’t think I’m ugly. I have been told that yes, I am pretty, but I think the majority of people who meet me think: “Cute.” not “Sexy.” or “Beautiful.”

I act like…

• Perky
• Loyal
• Distant
• Optimistic
• Alive

So are you nice?
I try to be nice whenever I can. Sometimes I get riled up and can make some cutting remarks, but most of the time I’m very careful to be kind to everyone.

I’m secretly…

• Jealous
• A Nympho (oops! The cat’s out of the bag now, baby!)
• Insecure

So are you unhappy with life?
No! I love life, and I love being alive. Yes, sometimes I get a little insecure or.. well, ok, I can get a lot insecure and jealous. But I don’t let it consume me. I love being me and being alive, and I know deep down there’s nothing to be insecure about.

In Life, I’m…

• Engaged
• In College (Studying to become a geek. Yes, that’s right. They actually teach it now. and I’ll get paid a lot for it. Eat that, all you popular kids!)
• A weekend drunk
• Well-liked. Why and how, I’m not quite sure.

Are you a full-blown, responsible adult?
Replace the word responsible with “total nut” and we might be getting somewhere.

Just in case you’re confused: No, I do not look like a bunch of pixels. This is just a visual representation. You’re so silly sometimes.